I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
