I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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