matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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