maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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