Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
