Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
