i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
