I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
