This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
