I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
