vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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