Your dad touched me again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
