based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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