Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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