just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
