if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
