and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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