She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
