the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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