a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
