yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
