Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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