my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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