I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
