apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
worst night to have a conscience
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
