i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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