My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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