Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
