but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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