dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
