McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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