just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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