I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
