GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
