I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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