He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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