The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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