Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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