he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
