i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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