New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
