i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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