i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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