I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
