sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
