Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
