you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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