Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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