The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
