i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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