I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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