dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
