God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
