im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She's JV to your varsity
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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