I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
