i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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