4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
