My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
