I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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