My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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